I have read many, many terrible books in my life. 50 Shades of Grey pops into mind, as does the first half of the first Twilight book (as far as I got in the series), and pretty much any of the word vomit George W. Bush has managed to dribble on paper over the years. Dubya & co. all come across as rational, sane, intelligent people, however, when placed next to Chuck Tingle, who has authored such works as I’m Gay for My Living Billionaire Jet Plane, and Seduced by Doctor Bigfoot, Attorney at Large.
As if to firmly cement his sheer lunacy, Chuck Tingle’s Amazon author profile states that he is a “Tae Kwon Do grandmaster (almost black belt)” and erotic author. He credits himself with the creation of “the ‘tingler’, a story so blissfully erotic that it cannot be experienced without eliciting a sharp tingle down the spine”. Clocking in at approximately 15 pages apiece, Chuck’s stories of man-on-inanimate-object-or-mythical-creature love are numerous, each more ridiculous and insane than the last. His ‘tinglers’ are sold separately or bundled, so you can have your pick of living object tinglers (see: Turned Gay by the Living Alpha Diner), dinosaur tinglers, unicorn tinglers, and bigfoot tinglers.
Chuck’s books are all roughly in the top 972,034 best sellers on the Amazon Kindle store, and most of his books have 2+ star ratings. His poignant and nuanced writing is regarded over and over again by hundreds of readers in their reviews, one even going so far as to state, “This is, by far, the best edited of Chuck’s work. The typos were not as frequent, and ‘gay’ was only used as a qualifier a few times.” Another reader proclaims, “The combination of bestiality and sparkles makes this a true masterpiece. Thank-you, Chuck, for bringing this into my life.” From what I hear, Twilight had bestiality and sparkles, but I bet it was nowhere near as thrilling as one of Chuck’s tinglers.
He also has a Twitter account, but appears to have a tenuous grasp on how, exactly, Twitter functions. Half the time it looks like oddly-worded plugs for his latest books, with Google searches peppered in. Three tweets read, in sequence: “Daniel craig with weiner out james bond pics”, “daniel crag butthole large photos”, and “GOOBLE SEARCH daniel crag in james bond clothes open butthole pics”.
I really wish I were making this stuff up, but I don’t think I’m the right brand of cray.
Chuck writes with quick wit (negotiable) and shamelessness, every one of his stories taking you on a dick-fuelled, homoerotic thrill ride. With titles like Space Raptor Butt Invasion, and Pounded by President Bigfoot, how can you go wrong?
Answer: You can’t.
I’m fairly certain that the whole thing is one huge joke. If it is? Well played, whoever you are, you really nailed the insanity. If it’s legit, and there really is a man somewhere in Montana writing in earnest about gay trains and being pounded by a gay t-rex colonel? Protect your buttholes, people. Especially you, ‘Daniel Crag’.
